I find it strange that I have never heard back from cat yronwode regarding my apology or my appeals. Even though she does say “She has never apologized or offered to mend her ways or rejoin the community of fair and loving pagans, occultists, and rootworkers from whom she has estranged herself. The door is always open for reconciliation and return.” Well at the time she wrote that, it was true, I had not apologized. But now I have. Or tried to. Like a Christian awaiting the promise of Jesus’s salvation, I await cat’s promise.
Reconciliation. The Free Dictionary says:
v. rec·on·ciled, rec·on·cil·ing, rec·on·ciles
1. To reestablish a close relationship between.
2. To settle or resolve.
3. To bring (oneself) to accept: He finally reconciled himself to the change in management.
4. To make compatible or consistent: reconcile my way of thinking with yours. See Synonyms at adapt.
1. To reestablish a close relationship, as in marriage: The estranged couple reconciled after a year.
2. To become compatible or consistent: The figures would not reconcile.
Well, she and I have never had any kind of relationship, even when I was technically her student and before everything exploded in my face. Def. #2 is good.
#3. To bring oneself to accept. This might be worthy of some thought. What must I accept? What must she accept? Do each of us, in our own individual ways, come to terms with what we each have done? I have been open about my mistakes and accept them. What are cat’s mistakes? I can possibly point out a few (um anger issues, anyone?) but really, she needs to decide for herself if there is going to be any acceptance on her part.
#4. To make compatible or consistent. Well, I doubt that personality-wise or thinking-wise there is any compatibility between us.
I think the v. intransitive is interesting: to reconcile a close relationship, as in marriage. Hmmm. Well we have been linked, however tenuously. It does feel like a very awful divorce, and having been through one, I certainly do know what that feels like.
Anways, my mind keeps coming back to that offer that never came through for me, her offer to let me reconcile myself with her community of fair and loving pagans, occultists, and rootworkers. Although I might dispute that her community is kind and loving, considering the amount of hate and poison they have poured on me. I have attempted amends. My offer of amends has been ignored; but much like the Step 9 “Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others” in which the mere act of attempting amends is the whole point whether there is any response or not, I must accept that my own amends were made without any kind of confirmation on cat’s part that she ever heard me or accepted them.